Two grand to fail, please.

So here I am sat in a TV studio. The producer's here in the gallery (the room with all the technical gizmos) and has just gone ape shit down talk back (posh walkie talkies).Why? It's not because the set looks like it was painted by school children; it's not because all the rehearsed camera shots are constantly changing; it's definitely not because we're running way over rehearsal time; nah, it's because the presenter burped. I shit you not. The presenter burped while he was (surprise!) on mic. Ho-ly shit. My best friend looked over at me from his place in front of the tape machine and the expression on his face had all the tell tale signs of someone who has no idea how we can be LOWER in the managerial ladder than a television producer who has more concern over etiquette than budget and time.

Before last year, I'd never used a camera bigger than a Gameboy, yet I could in all seriousness do a better job repositioning a camera and getting a shot, while zooming and focusing respectively, than these people on the studio floor. There's a thirty year old on camera who doesn't know the difference between left and right. LEFT AND RIGHT. We're rehearsing a game show that's being shot as live, and our camera operator on camera two doesn't even know what directions are? Nice one. I'm amazed there's not a suicide booth in this place, but then again, there is NOTHING of value in Immingham, other than this studio and my car.

The director of this particular episode (I'm directing the RX3, but this is RX1) has just gone on a marathon of telling every single person that their shots are poor. I know he's picky, but he actually has some decent people on the studio floor being unnaturally dense, like a bad soup, or a lead weight. I don't understand how people can screw up so much in the space of five minutes. “I'm just not used to the zoom control...” just fizzled through the talkback. See what I mean?

Another giant mould on the pudding of today is the gentleman on camera for RX1 and 2 who forgot he never got the director job. “[Mr. X] are you on your camera yet?...Is he there?” “No, he's sorting out the desks.” “That's not his job.” (X comes on talkback) “I was sorting out the desks mate.” “THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB!”, etc. Pretty damn stupid to be honest. You do the job you're given, especially if it's perfectly reasonable; I'd much rather be behind the camera than be a “scenic supervisor” (you tell me). Our director favourably compared him to a studio floor director, a euphemism for a back seat driver. A back seat driver who belongs in the boot. And the car is under water. The water is acid. Yes.

I should mention that during this rehearsal being a scenic supervisor, I've been asked to stay up in the gallery (I should be on the the studio floor supervising the set and props) to make note of the shots because my show and this one are being shot the same. Conveniently forgetting, of course that I already have noted the shots from the rehearsal we did at college two days ago. Nobody has any faith in my creative ability as a director, yet they're blind as to how bad the format of the show is, how bad it's lit, been designed, shot, produced, organised and hamfistedly fucked up the arse by the horrifying lack of budget.

I actually brought a NaturalMotion stress ball shaped like an American football. One might decode this as a reminder of better times, perhaps looking forward to the future, such as the release of NM's Backbreaker. Those people would be utterly incorrect. I brought it to squeeze the living daylights out of, because I'm not allowed to Falcon PAAAWWWNNNCCCHHH almost everyone on the crew.

The school children arrive at half one. Did I mention there were school children involved? We're filming them exerting themselves physically and mentally. That's not weird, is it? Fortunately for us we're not Glitter Fritzl and not paedophiles, henceforth they're here because they're the ones playing the games and being the audience, not to be locked in the Sports Dungeon.

What a joke.

It's the little things...

You might think you're stressed. Anyone with a monotonous job or coursework might fall into this category. They would also be wrong.

I try to maintain a cool head. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes by the ignorance of some fans of Kings of Leon and the like, but I'm otherwise a sound young chap. If you bump into me at the bar and knock some of my pint flowing into the sticky and rather retro looking pub carpet, I'll simply say "It's alright mate" and keep sipping on my Strongbow (as in Willy's nobody is a cock and nobody undermines that principle, where as in Old Lloyds it's practically an unglorified free-for-all).

Now, imagine yourself in a situation I faced a month or so ago. I had to do 20,o00 words of coursework in two weeks. How the fuck did I manage that? Well I didn't do it by being a dick head, that's for sure! Academic spiel is always a burden and should be shot, assuming it takes the form of a giant paper gollum about to wreck havoc on your bedroom (though my bedroom already looks like a warzone, so I guess my point is negated), yet I combatted it by living a little. Leway, believe it or not, saves lives. I would've topped myself if it weren't for the pub (I am that sad). Sure, a few evaluative essays are pricks to do, but when you can write from your own opinion without having to reference, like in an evaluation, then you're well and truly wanking.

So why is it that when someone forgets the time, the penalty is a stern lecture and depression. I don't understand it. I might never understand it. I said I would be at a location at a set time, yet I'm constrained to emotion and a lack of mental grit, opposed to a simpler diegesis of facts and figures. Nobody, seemingly, has the ability to rationalise anything.

It's the little things that piss you off, like underlying mental instability and unfair backstage politics.

University Journal: A Retrospective

The following is a compilation of some journals I had to include as part of my production file for a unit in my university course.

Week Three: Byatt's Bias

Bias, objectivity, structure, Gordon Brown, euthanasia and Batman. What links all of these together? Today's presentation! An odd sentence to say the least, but nevertheless can be justified through the art of the English language and a small dose of an illegal substance in the information age: PATIENCE.

While the first item discussed in the lecture today was the joy of using a research log, it was harder to understand than the latter half on debating (after all, I do love to create and fuel debates involving hordes of unsuspecting plebeians) and how to do it, safely! I understand that a research log can be used by all people in the production, to stop people from contacting people who have already been contacted by other people. That's certainly a lot of people (perhaps that's why it's a good idea to have a log). That being said, we are working as a team to fill out the portfolio and there's a degree (not a pun) of conradery in the class. Everyone gets it done. Everyone is organised. Nobody annoys the contributors. Sorted.

Bias is an ugly word. Years of school telling me to balance “arguments” in completely unwinnable situations has at least told me to stay away from the evil of bias (the amount of times I had to do presentations on why it's evil to hurt the fox unfathomable, despite it clearly doing nobody any harm to anyone; I mean honestly, battery farmed chickens are treat worse for their whole lives but everyone eats that garbage up, LITERALLY!). Bias is to be avoided at any cost, especially when the president of the UK (I know he's the “Prime Minister”, but it's the same thing) is to be shunted out of his small scale White House within the next few years. The last thing Sports Challenge needs is to attempt to finance a lawsuit, trust me. While it is certainly not a prevalent issue, Sports Challenge's teams wouldn't like it if we were biased towards them, so the point stands.

Objectivity is something which everyone knows exists but nobody believes in (I should write my own dictionary). Being the analytical socialist that I am, I know that in this society riddled with stereotypes there is no such thing as a balanced argument because hegemony always leaps into the rave and steals everyone else's dance moves. However, people who believe everything they see on television are more prone to go a little mental when the conservatives are treated unfairly by that guy who said “Did you threaten to over-rule him?” a lot....PAXMAN, that's the guy. It would therefore be plausible to assume that objectivity, the opposite of bias, should be a game plan in Sports Challenge: The Second Coming.

STRUCTURE, as the presentation said (according to my whimsical notes) is what makes sports sports and drama drama (although both are often confused into being the same thing). While common knowledge, it is nice to be reminded that structure is yet another of those “codes and conventions” associated with genre studies. The joys of media studies A-level have come back to haunt me yet again. Curse you, academic studies! That being said, structure is something that I reckon bogged down series uno. Boring sets with the same old structure and the monotonous orange wall of death looming over all who dared walk onto the set killed that series. Did I mention the contestants? Oops.

To be honest, prior to this lecture I would never have thought that politics could be linked to Sports Challenge. That being said, prior to this lecture I was asleep.

Week 4 – I am not John Lennon

“Welcome to the lecture...there are three types of research...bye!”. Today's lecture filled time with one message. I guess tutors aren't allowed to say “Hello! Goodbye!” like The Beatles did back in '64. Of course, tutors didn't fall to prey to gunmen and hallucinogenic drugs before the lecture. I was too cool for pre-lecture drugs; I was asleep again.

Basically, there are three kinds of research: Primary, secondary and (you guessed it) tertiary. These do exactly what they say on the tin (and they do exist, I've seen tins of research on the shelves at Tesco). Primary is the first person to get evidence, secondary is the second person to get that evidence and the first to get it from the guy who analysed it in the first place, tertiary research is the first to get research from the guy who was the first to get it from the guy who got the research first.

That complex paragraph was the lecture, alternatively we could just say:

• Primary – Direct research from the subject being investigated, such as a witness or focus group.

• Secondary – Analysis of the research.

• Tertiary – Use of the analysis of research for other use.

Come to think of it, the alleged pre-production research portfolio will be easy, if one person did one thing and then swapped with someone else who did another to get secondary and tertiary research. SUCCESS.

See, I can be formal when I want to be, plus I understood the presentation, so SCORE!

Week 5 – Derren Brown has nothing on me

Derren Brown can read minds. FACT. That being said, some ignorant fools think he uses key words and phonology to manipulate people into acting as he wants them to. Even though Derren is a God amongst men, his ALLEGED methods can be used in an interview for Sports Challenge pre-production research. FACT.

Interview techniques were on the menu today, and while not tasty or cheap, they served up some glorious knowledge in the Sports Challenge kitchen. The subtitle for the lecture's slide show was “What do we want and how can we extract it?” If I were going through legal action I'd want an industry researcher as me lawyer, because while they're based in TV, they couldn't half manipulate that jury.

It's hard to remember the specific types of interview, and it is because of this that the only one I can remember is the “hard” style of interview. While I wish it was an interview with Rambo, it's actually just about investigating a subject. Come to think of it, there was an “emotional” interview as well, but not only is emotion for idiots, but also there's a cold void in my heart where Sports Challenge lives, so forgive me if I show disdain for the series, for emotion plays no factor in that show. Maybe it should? A joke or two would be nice, but I'll spare you the suggestions for another time, like NEVER.

Some top tips in the lecture pretty much described my job. Working checkouts at Tesco actually pays off, even though I'm still a cog in the machine. Soul destroying, but pays off in research for a degree in TV Production, who'd have thought it? Being likeable, approaching each customer differently, serving hundreds of people every day and being prepared with carrier bags, a uniform, etc, is a massive part of my job and something I've become very adept at.

At the end of the presentation slides it was recommended that we use correct framing. Who do you take me for? Someone who'd only worked with handycams before last year? Oh wait...

Week 9001 – Caffeine Overdose Versus Monster File

Combating tiredness, my eyelids, my laptop's keyboard and the degree is undeniably hard, but IT CAN BE DONE! Even though I have underestimated the scale of the production file portfolio or whatever it is. I never realised how much I hate clocks, I feel like Captain Hook stuck in a desk job, without a nemesis who hangs around with kids, though coincidentally Sports Challenge two is apparently to have kids star in it. Good luck with that, I have it on good authority that the schools don't want to partake in the series.

In the first series we all made sacrifices to get contributors; while unfortunate, the same is happening here. I don't want to star in this series, but I didn't intend on being in the last series to be perfectly fair, it just sort of happened, not unlike this portfolio, which “just sort of happened” to have been left until the eleventh hour because one student thought he could wing the referencing. Try again sir.

This should be a round on the new series of Sports Challenge. I can already imagine Gavin Mumby literally singing my praises as I manage to type 5000 words in 24 hours, equating to two points, which will be negated in the “Sprint Finish” round anyway. The balancing of the points system really needs to be sorted out in the second series. If there's one thing I've learned from the monster file it's that life's not fair behind the camera when you're not even in the industry, let alone working for the beast.

Speaking of Satan, it's been exceptionally difficult to contact a researcher in the industry. I've been on an e-merry-go-round, being sent to everyone under the Sun who doesn't want to give me any information. It's like students are the plague (they are in many respects, especially in the carrying diseases part of it). Fortunately I made a barrage of notes when the creative director of the True North production company gave a seminar at Easter time, some of which is relevant to pre-production.

This file will be done, but I won't say “If it's the last thing I do!” because I have about 10,000 more words due in for next week. I am truly a model student.

Don't Diversity

I'm a 20 year old student studying a degree in Television Production at the Grimsby Institute of Further and Higher Education; I am exceptional at playing guitar and I like the have the odd pint of Cider at the Lloyds Arms in Grimsby, or in Willy's Pub and Brewery in Cleethorpes. None of this has any relevance to anybody else. If I weren't an extrovert, I would have most certainly dropped off of everyone else's radar except my own mother's; it's common sense. I'm sure that nobody cares what I had for breakfast, or even if I had breakfast (I didn't, but I did wake up to a Godly sunday lunch).

However, what if I were to come out as being a homosexual? The government would perhaps say "This is a prime example of freedom in our country!" GIFHE would point out their many posters saying "DIVERSITY!" and "My son's a homophobe, but I hope it's just a phase..." Friends would hug me warmly, but with a sprinkle of trepidation, wailing "I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" while others wait in line to humble my apparent sexuality. There would be fireworks scattered across the sky saying "It's OK to be gay! It's DIVERSE and COOL, HIP, FAB..." while North East Lincolnshire embraced each other and sang a remix of God Save the Queen. Alright, perhaps not the latter, but certainly there would be a massive furor if someone came out as being gay.

Now imagine if I turned around to my friends and said "I'm a heterosexual." Their reaction would be "...and?", immediately followed by the conversation being placed in a guillotine. If I saw someone on webcam and they said "I'm white British", I'd say "Tell me something I don't know" and then continue to do whatever one does while on the internet at three in the morning.

Nobody cares about the obvious, it's always been there. So why is it that there are so many mascots for "diversity" and "equality" if everyone's already supposed to be on level footing? If it's hegemonic to be heterosexual, then surely because it's legal, recognised and has been here for thousands of years, then homosexual people are also equal. I wouldn't cast you a dirty look if you died your hair bright blue (though you should seriously reconsider your lifestyle choices if you were considering it), so if your skin's white; green; black; yellow; turquoise; khaki then good on you, you probably look more interesting then my sunlight-free patchy mess of a body.

In my opinion the best way to combat any issue with diversity is to deal with it head on and not skirt around it like your secret love for Coldplay; even though your friends think it's fashionable to hate them, they could never write anything near as good as their masterpiece, "Fix You". Common sense is versatile and free, so use it. Posters will solve nothing.

Never think of the big picture.

The big picture will scare you more than Paranormal Activity scared overwhelmed American students; more than socialism scares capitalists, and certainly a lot more than the time when I thought a ghost had opened my bedroom door because there was a draft coming from my window. True story!

When things get grandiose, like the word "grandiose", one is suddenly inundated with responsibility, but not in a Spider-man way, more like a "I'm a student and I need to meet these deadlines but I need to do 10,000 words in a week" way. I worked it out the other day; adding up the word count for self-reflective accounts, evaluations, essays, blogs (seriously) and other tomfoolery in the academic bible that is the course handbook comes to about 10,300 words. After tomorrow's deadlines and next week's deadlines, this will total almost 20,000 words written for coursework in just two weeks. That's more than any dissertation I've ever heard of (a dissertation, for the least among us, is what gets you your degree at the end of your degree), yet it's part of the first half of the second (of three) year of my degree. Horrifying.

Remember when you tried to contemplate spending the rest of your life with your current partner? It was just out of reach, and comfortably so. I'm having to stare it in the face and ask it to be gentle as it caresses and squeezes my brain. True story.

That's it, let it all out...

Is it pathetic that I'm pissed off because someone's pre-determined what I'm to have for tea when I had something else in mind? Or is it more pathetic to cry when someone tells you that you shouldn't have made something when my whole argument prior was that there was no space to do such a thing?

When I complained that there was "nothing in" for tea, and elaborated that my brother was using the cooking apparatus AND using the last of the chips (the only thing left to compliment the mountains of Birdseye beef in the freezer), one person translated that as "Make way for the tea I was complaining I couldn't have, no matter how illogical and impractical this may be."

You do not cook frozen burgers on the same cramped grill as you are cooking fresh turkey. You do not share one serving of chips between two people. You do not cook them both at the same time. Quite frankly, the idea's bullshit. If you think this is feasible, you're a moron. Go fuck yourself.

Then again, I guess when you think you're never wrong and someone contradicts you to the point where you can't possibly be right, then perhaps it could be acceptable to cry. After all, it's not like you have to eat that shit.

I fought the law...

I'm currently watching lots of segments of Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator" back to back for no other reason than to laugh at Hansen's voice and everyone else's inability to cope with the law and being put on the spot.

I once chatted to a sociology tutor at my old sixth form college about Jeremy Kyle, Jerry Springer, etc, but I feel her reaction to those shows is still applicable. She said not only is it sad that we laugh at people because they're of a different class than us and because they break hegemony with their situations, but also that the people on it are in some utterly dire situations.

I do totally agree, I really do, but I can't help but laugh at "Why don't you take a seat over there?" and the other one-liners that totally stumps the pedophiles. Additionally, you occasionally get people who recognise him on the show who are totally mortified at their misfortune, but at the same time are inspired by the guy. I'd imagine Hansen loves it too, given it's one of the few times he will ever NOT have to say "Well I've got something to tell you, I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC...".

One massive thing about the show is the way how people are screwed by the law. I'll just brush around the edges and offer an informative overview of why you DO NOT TALK TO POLICE:

1. Anything you say can and will/may be held against you in court. This does not mean that your testimony or confession can EVER work in your favour.
2. Even if you're telling the absolute truth and are innocent, if a misinformed witness contradicts your testimony you could be charged with lying to the police AND committing the crime you never did.
3. Something illegal is bound to slip out of your mouth (e. g: "How fast do you think you were going?" "About 35 mph."; as the speed limit is 30, it's still an illegal act).

As much as I can be a mega leftist sometimes and I'm not a fan of repressive state apparatus, the fact is you should learn the law to mould it to your own amends. At least you'll make a level playing fiend between yourself and the police.