Why BLOG?

While waiting in a taxi rank just up the road from the pub I graciously consumed a mere two pints in, I noticed a particular free leaflet book thing that said, in rather large typography, BLOG. If I weren't half tipsy I'd probably have left it alone, but I get considerably more inquisitive after the alcohol has begun to seep its way into my brain.

Upon inspection, it was laughable. A male model lorded over every page in a familiar setting of rubble and broken buildings. The inner notes and sparse paragraphs were littered with conventions used seriously, yet constantly creating a parody for themselves. Bold, capital words such as "MASCULINITY", "GENTLEMAN", "INDIVIDUAL" AND "INNOVATION" randomly intruded in the text. It was the written equivalent of Sonic the Hedgehog 2006. EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT TO SPEED OFF!

It's a pretty bold and incorrect statement to say that a blog influenced by that book, which can only have been written in shit, could ever be original. There were that many stereotypes that if the text were to some how, some way, interpellate its target audience then there would be so many of the same blog. The notion of blogging is not innovative, it's not masculine and it's not original.

I don't read other blogs. I don't place myself on a pedestal above everyone else who's ever blogged, I just don't see the point. I tried reading the blog of the famous (well at least, in the blogging and Star Trek world) Wil Wheaton. I didn't find it entertaining. I'm not sure why. I write what I want to say in my own way, and people seem to like it, including me. You don't blog to a deadline, you don't have a timetable of issues to raise.

Furthermore, I'm much more articulate in writing than in speech. Writing has the ability to be changed in future, it allows for thought and time to reconsider what happens next, while remaining spontaneous. Conversation is fleeting. Conversation is one of my weak points. I'm good at one thing: coming up with spectacular contextually biased insults.

You do your own thing. Don't make an image of yourself, just be yourself.

To do:

Get a filling
Hand in coursework I handed in but was nethertheless lost
Make a film in one week
Do paperwork for said film
Do paperwork for completed film that was lost
Get a hair cut for work
Go to work
Find out what's been said at work and why
Sort out student loan documents because the council is so vague it's a shadow
Be ridiculously happy to clock out and go home tonight

Kinder Egg Idea Crunch

The credit crunch has wrecked the economy of the universe over (or so The Daily Star tells me). Mortal Kombat has suffered a fatality, Duke Nukem Forever evades the shelves, and NatWest are now fucking idiots. However, there is yet a more serious problem. One bigger than the deaths of Michael Jackson, Steve Irwin, Jade Goody, Eddie Guerro and The Great Moolah combined.

Today I was bought a Kinder Egg. I remembered what fun I had with them as a child, having to put together the pieces of something when I'd lost half of them under the bloody arm chair. I successfully made a number of handicapped rodents on wheels. I ate the egg bit (which now suffers from Easter Egg syndrome) in two perfect halves. The capsule was there in the middle. I imagined the brightest of gold sparkling gold stars would spring out of it as it opened, like some kind of pixie's LSD trip.

The toy was covered in instruction booklets and the little catalogue sheet of additional items to collect in the series (this time Ice Age 3 themed). Then disaster struck. The toy...was already made. DO THE KINDER TWATS NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'VE DONE? THEY HAVE RUINED ONE OF THE GREATEST PIECES OF CONFECTIONARY FUN OF ALL TIME FOR FUCKING ICE AGE 3. I WANT ELASTIC BANDS AND SLOTS FOR WHEELS IN GORILLAS THAT COME WITH OPTIONAL STICKERS, NOT SOME SHIT YELLOW THING WITH AN OVULAR HEAD. THE MOULD LINE ISN'T EVEN TAKEN CARE OF PROPERLY.

I flung it across the room. What's worse is that after bouncing off the door, the wall and then right back beside me like some God damn boomerang, it had no damage. None.

I've just looked at the instructions. They list some kind of game. The bottom of the toy isn't even fucking flat. Kinder, in their much toted infinate wisdom, have managed to spin this design flaw into a game, where you and one friend can TRY AND BLOW THE OTHER'S TOY OVER FIRST. What percentage of pure WANK does your brain have to be in order to want to play that. From what I've tested, the toy won't even stand up on a flat surface to begin with.

The only good thing to come out of kinder in recent memory is the Kinder Bueno, and that's not even English.

Customers should GTFO

I had the honour of being a "green coat" at work today, so essentially when people didn't need things doing for them (which was, oddly, very sparingly) I floated around like a ghost. That also meant I got be bear witness to something which was not only unfair, but unnecessary and GOD DAMN STUPID.

At Tesco there is an "Under 25?" policy for age restricted goods, which includes, amongst other things, alcohol. One particular rule is that if a customer is purchasing an age restricted item, everyone they're with who looks under 25 must show their ID. It is the store's policy which we must oblige to. If we were to be caught out by trading standards' snitches then we could face a fine of up to FIVE-THOUSAND POUNDS. If someone asks you for ID, don't go off on one, accept it. We're just doing our jobs.

However, one particular Londoner, probably on holiday, pulled the dick move tactic. She was with a group of people who did look under 25, thus leading to a request for ID. They had none. FUCK. Rather than accepting it being store policy, they requested to see a manager, who obliged and told them the same thing as the checkout operator: No ID = no sale. I then tended to my duties.

Five minutes later, the same woman is giving the person at the checkout a blitz of insults. Totally unwarranted. I would have refused them service, but bless her, the checkout operator still completed the transaction...and then broke down in tears. It was a bloody travesty. You DO NOT treat people like shit, especially people who are just doing a job.

I could perhaps empathise if it were the person wholly believing in the policy with a closed mind, or perhaps if the asking for ID was not the prudent course of action, but it certainly was. My only regret is not stepping in while it was still going on, but to be honest, I did fear for my life. There are all kinds of legal constraints. If there were some kind of customer being correct policy we weren't told about (and trust me, there are a lot of things about the job Tesco doesn't tell you about) then I'd have been wrecked.

It's a sad day for civilisation when people think they can wreck havoc on others when they're actually WRONG but can't face it. Perhaps Serj is right, CIVILIZATION IS OVER.