Kinder Egg Idea Crunch

The credit crunch has wrecked the economy of the universe over (or so The Daily Star tells me). Mortal Kombat has suffered a fatality, Duke Nukem Forever evades the shelves, and NatWest are now fucking idiots. However, there is yet a more serious problem. One bigger than the deaths of Michael Jackson, Steve Irwin, Jade Goody, Eddie Guerro and The Great Moolah combined.

Today I was bought a Kinder Egg. I remembered what fun I had with them as a child, having to put together the pieces of something when I'd lost half of them under the bloody arm chair. I successfully made a number of handicapped rodents on wheels. I ate the egg bit (which now suffers from Easter Egg syndrome) in two perfect halves. The capsule was there in the middle. I imagined the brightest of gold sparkling gold stars would spring out of it as it opened, like some kind of pixie's LSD trip.

The toy was covered in instruction booklets and the little catalogue sheet of additional items to collect in the series (this time Ice Age 3 themed). Then disaster struck. The toy...was already made. DO THE KINDER TWATS NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'VE DONE? THEY HAVE RUINED ONE OF THE GREATEST PIECES OF CONFECTIONARY FUN OF ALL TIME FOR FUCKING ICE AGE 3. I WANT ELASTIC BANDS AND SLOTS FOR WHEELS IN GORILLAS THAT COME WITH OPTIONAL STICKERS, NOT SOME SHIT YELLOW THING WITH AN OVULAR HEAD. THE MOULD LINE ISN'T EVEN TAKEN CARE OF PROPERLY.

I flung it across the room. What's worse is that after bouncing off the door, the wall and then right back beside me like some God damn boomerang, it had no damage. None.

I've just looked at the instructions. They list some kind of game. The bottom of the toy isn't even fucking flat. Kinder, in their much toted infinate wisdom, have managed to spin this design flaw into a game, where you and one friend can TRY AND BLOW THE OTHER'S TOY OVER FIRST. What percentage of pure WANK does your brain have to be in order to want to play that. From what I've tested, the toy won't even stand up on a flat surface to begin with.

The only good thing to come out of kinder in recent memory is the Kinder Bueno, and that's not even English.